all made up with nowhere to go

My final thoughts on Clair Obscur; DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE SEEN THE CREDITS!

( Read more... )

So the streams I am watching of Clair Obscur are very close to the end, but I just wanted to note that yesterday the game made me cry twice, on a bank holiday morning, before 11am (I mean, it was my choice to watch it that early).

Large spoilers, imo, beware.

( Read more... )

I know it's not so much commentary on the game, but I did want to note that it did in fact tear my heart from my chest and stomp all over it, and not even in a good way.

Shout out the guy who came into my workplace wearing a Monkey Island t-shirt! He said I was the first (random) person to recognise what game it was from.

I guess I have Andy Farrant and Outside Xbox to thank for that!

There was also a guy about a week ago who came in wearing a t-shirt with Camus on it, and I was like, "That's not something you see every day." And he grinned, and said something along the lines of, "I'm trying to start a following."
And then we had a conversation about Camus, and he commiserated with me about how dry and boring La Peste is.

Also one of the regulars came in around the start of the month wearing a Star Wars t-shirt with Japanese text on it, and I am painfully aware that I spent most of the time I was speaking to him staring at his chest as if I was going to magically figure out what the words said (impossible, because I can't read Japanese).

Not a lot has happened in my life since I last posted - it's pretty much been the same old, same old. I did buy a new microwave, though, which is not very exciting, but it will be useful. It turns out I missed being able to nuke something once I got in from a late shift, and a lot of my upcoming shifts this next month are lates, so...I thought, why not buy one? Not like I can't afford it at the moment. So I did. And it cooks stuff in five minutes, which feels weird and wrong, but I am not complaining!

I also bought an external cd/dvd drive for my laptop, primarily so I can rip music, but also now I can watch dvds downstairs without having to lug the TV down here. Not that it is heavy, thank frog, just annoying. I do have a portable DVD player, but it is very old, and I'm thinking of getting rid of it anyway. And the screen is TINY, which isn't ideal. Also if I watch stuff on my computer, I can screencap to my heart's content :D

Maybe that means I'll actually get to watching all (most) of The X-Files/Buffy again, and maybe it won't, but at least the option is there if I want it.

...And I finally got to getting the Matrix films on blu-ray. You know, four years after I said I'd get them for my fortieth birthday?

But I was looking to see if Resurrections was available on blu-ray, and what do you know, all four films plus The Animatrix are available in a blu-ray boxset, and so: I clicked BUY and now they are arriving today!

So now I own the first film on four different types of media (VHS, DVD, UMD, and blu-ray), and the trilogy three times on DVDs alone (singles + two different boxsets).

Because I'm me, and this is entirely predictable, I feel.

Obviously I won't be able to watch these on my computer, but that's what the DVDs are for! ;)

And then finally, I've got my penultimate counselling session in a bit. Unfortunately, it has landed as I have the recurrent Seasonal Affective part of my depression, and the counsellor, while lovely, wants to improve my scores to the questionnaire I have to answer before every session. But depression doesn't work like that! And she knows that! I am not going to be cured and not feeling vaguely suicidal by next week! Although this isn't as bad as it has been (although the initial coming hit me like a truck), I am probably going to feel like this until at least September! Maybe if I'd had the counselling when I originally needed it, but not now.

So that's that for now. Time to go wait for things to arrive! (Exciting!)

So I finally bit the bullet and bought myself some Loop earplugs. I've been whiffling about it for almost a year now, so I finally went and did it.

Unfortunately, I will probably not be able to use them for the specific reason I bought them (work) as, even though they say they should stay in place, I don't want to risk losing them or be told to take them out by my line manager*. But I can at least have them with me for noisy times that aren't work (e.g. social situations/commutes/shopping, etc).

I do find it kind of hilarious that, for someone who is as noisy as I am**, I am SO noise-sensitive, though (and I swear it's getting worse as I get older).

Anyway, I was hoping they'd arrive today, but apparently they're coming tomorrow, so I guess at least I will have the Easter weekend to get used to them?

*Because I work in an environment with food, there's a lot of restrictions on what we are/aren't allowed to wear. I also can't have my nails painted, because they might chip, and that Irks Me Greatly.

**I was frequently told by both parents to shut up/be quiet when I was a child, and friends when I was younger used to note how loud I was, for example.

~

I started playing a solo RPG called Over the Mountain. It is not one of the ones from that bundle I bought the other day, merely a free one I found while noodling around on itch some time later.

It is going to take me forever to finish, assuming I want to finish it. I'm unsure at the moment; every time I put it down, I'm like, ehhhhh, but when I pick it up again, I'm kind of interested. I suppose the world building I am having to do is grating on me a little - it should ease off once I've got all the elements in place, though. I'm not saying it's not a good game; I am just having issues with my writing abilities still.

(Though it is making me think about making zines again, which is good! Because I have yet to finish a single one I've thought of - I think this is where I have imposter syndrome, weirdly. I feel like my offerings aren't good enough and yet the entire point of a zine is that it doesn't need to be polished and shiny. It just needs to exist).

~

Finally, I originally typed out the entire lists for my itch collections, but given the TTRPG list is nearing 150 items at the time of writing, I thought it more pertinent to reduce it to links instead, and you can click on whatever you think may be interesting to you? (assuming you want to, that is)

link to my profile so you can see what I already own
Visual Novels
TTRPGS
TTRPG Resources
Unclassified
Interactive Fiction
Card Games
Game Resources
Point and Click Games
Video Game RPGS

Please let me know if any links are borked, as I am tired and in pain as I write this.

~

GOG.com wishlist:

( Read more... )

~

...And now I'm going to go and sit in bed because I'm tired and I deserve it.

I have been trying to cut down on buying things I don't need and I am getting better at it. Sort of.

I bought myself some Winsor and Newton Promarkers and Bristol Board a few weeks ago, because they were on sale on Cass Art's website, and I am all about alcohol markers at the moment. But I have to physically stop myself from buying more, cheaper ones (side eyes the Decotime set B&M sell), or buying more paint markers.

BUT. I just saw a massive set of Stabilo highlighters in varying tones for half price, and although I wanted them, I didn't buy them! And I'm pleased with myself.

I only really wanted it because I like the stands the bigger sets come with (and all those colours!), and because I saw some videos on pinterest, and I was jealous of the people who had all those colours. But I realised, looking at Stabilo's website, that actually I would have a heck of a lot of repeat colours (some of them tripled!) if I bought it. So I closed the website without buying it.

(I didn't manage so well earlier in the week buying Staedtler highlighters in classic highlighter colours, whoops).

But generally, I managed to not spend more money than went in my bank, and I am pleased with that! And that includes having to buy a new pair of glasses, which were not cheap (but obviously essential. Eyes are important!)

In other news, I fell into a hole of watching people playing Slay The Princess, and I am still not done with that, and I will miss it when it is gone. I have added it to my Steam wishlist, although I don't know if the laptop is capable of running it (and I don't want to play it right away now anyway). What a game that is! It is very much my catnip, and I don't know why I haven't investigated it sooner.

I also have started importing my Goodreads library to my Storygraph account - I would rather use the latter over the former, although I'm reading so little these days that it's probably pointless, but here we are. I am the same username as I am everywhere else (mostly) than here, which is rootsandbones. Y'know, if you want to add me, but you are obviously not obligated.

(I would not have even done this today but that helvetica had posted a Storygraph screenshot on bsky showing how much she'd read and I was like, "WAIT A SEC I FORGOT THAT WAS A THING!" So I downloaded the app, but have had to do the import on the PC because it's easier).

Finally, I've got what I suspect will be my last counselling appointment later this morning. I say this because last week we ran out of things to talk about, partly because my mood has improved since I started it (though I suspect it is unrelated). So we ended the session early. I actually did think of a couple of things I want to talk about this week (emotional dysregulation, and some other stuff) so we'll see how that goes!

Other than that, it's been work/sleep/house stuff, as per usual!

(This entry feels disjointed - sorry for that. I just don't know what to talk about these days).

Bullet points because omg my brain right now:

# I always try to buy daffodils around the end of Feb/beginning of March, because the first of March is Saint David's Day and I am, in case you didn't know, half Welsh. Also, just looking at them makes me so happy, and there aren't any wild ones nearby. And they're dirt cheap - case in point, I got two bunches of fifteen from Aldi the other day for less than £2 for both bunches. And they've opened, and there's so many of them, and I just feel absolute pure joy looking at them.

# I have had my hours increased at work! Not by a lot, but by enough, and that's fine by me.

# I had to buy a new pair of glasses, as the coating was coming off the old ones, and it was affecting my vision to the point where I was just like, "FUCK THIS!"

So that was an expense I didn't need, but it was one I made anyway because eyes are fucking important (even my extremely defective ones).

# I have finally had my first counselling session! We seemed to hop topics a lot - it felt like I was mostly bringing the person I was speaking to up to speed with my family situation. It also felt a lot like "person with alexithymia definitely proves they have it but doesn't actually say so".

And I felt really fucking validated when near to the end of the session, she said, "So you haven't had an easy life, then." And I was like, no, I haven't, thank you for seeing that. (And she doesn't even know some of the shitty stuff that happened! Just what I told her in the course of an hour).

Oh, and! When I told her how I felt while taking antidepressants, she confirmed that most people tend to feel flattened out emotionally on them. Like. I thought that was sort of just a me thing - I have had one friend confirm she also felt that way, but it has been literally one. So it was nice to know that wasn't just a me thing at all.

I don't know how useful it will end up being, especially because it's an NHS set amount of sessions (4 to 6, depending on your needs). I guess if I needed more, I would have to look into private healthcare, but that would be Expensive. I'll see how this goes, and if it helps any first.

# I bought four albums, all at once: the Everhood soundtrack; the Pizza Tower soundtrack; Everything Must Go (20th anniversary edition); and Critical Thinking by the Manic Street Preachers.

I also downloaded a program called Bosca Ceoil Blue, which is a tracker for making music. Which is the way I am used to making music - way back in t'day I used to noodle around in a program called Acid and had heaps of fun, so I'm going to have a go at plonking around in this and see what happens.

# ...I made the mistake of downloading Cookie Clicker, and that's all I'm saying. If you know, you know.

House stuff!

I bought some wallpaper and it is here, as is the paste. I severely underestimated how long it would take to strip the old wallpaper off the walls (I thought it would be easy, given its advanced age, hahahaha). So I'm going to cheat with a couple of the walls (one has a plug socket, and I don't want water running down into it for obvious reasons), and just paper straight over them.

Besides, I will have plenty more opportunities to strip old wallpaper, as I decided I'm going to paint the downstairs hallway and also the stairs walls.

I bought a paint tester of a very pale blue Dulux paint* the other day, stripped a bit of the wall, and applied it. And although it's not as pale as I anticipated now it's dried, I think it's the right choice. The hallway/staircase is the darkest section of the house, so it needs something to brighten it up. Now I just need to strip the walls, heh. But that can wait. I'm wallpapering first!

I'm also going to repaint the cupboard/room doors, as they really need it, and they are currently a boring cream colour. They'll probably end up some shade of blue or green, but a lot darker than the walls, I'm thinking. But that's for a much later date to think about.

~

In non-house news, I bought Balatro, and I am thoroughly suckered into that game, omg. I don't know as I understand the rules one hundred percent, but I'm having fun. Which is the main thing!

I also discovered some new artists, and spent a lot of yesterday on pinterest just looking at art, which was nice! I also woke up excited to draw, and I did actually then do that! Not a lot, but I am focussing on drawing people, as it's something I want to do, and miss doing. It's also my comfort zone, as it's something I've done (almost) persistently since I was a teenager and I taught myself to draw.

And because of the one artist I discovered, I thought about buying myself an A3 sketchbook for a birthday present. This is not a new urge, I was going to do it a year ago, but I didn't (for whatever reason; it's possible the store I was in didn't have the exact thing I wanted, so I couldn't get it). HOWEVER. When I used an A4 sketchbook about a year ago, I was like, "FUCK ME THIS THING IS MASSIVE!" as I'd got used to drawing in smaller (A5) books. So an A3 one feels like infinite massiveness in comparison.

(But I get why that artist uses sketchbooks that size - her art is very detailed and, obviously, the bigger you draw, the more detail you can put in. I myself do not really do very detailed work, so do I need a book that big? Probably not).

I also also did a run to a charity shop the other day. It's needed doing, and I was just putting it off. And it got me out of the house. The stuff I was taking wasn't particularly heavy, more bulky and, while it was a pain in the arse to take on the bus, I did it, and now it's done. And I am going again next week with some more stuff, but possibly not to the same place.

~

*Mineral Mist, for anyone who's interested.

How's this for an example of the state of the NHS at the moment:

Back in September last year, I referred myself for counselling for my mental health. I also asked a doctor for a referral for a surgical procedure.

I was contacted by the mental health team a couple of weeks later, given an assessment, and told I could be waiting up to two months before someone contacted me to start the counselling.

I had a text from the hospital a little while later asking if I still required the surgery. Obviously, I said yes.

In December, I had a letter from the hospital saying my initial consultation would be in mid January. This is a lot sooner than I expected, given that my need is far from life-threatening, although it is something that affects my wellbeing.

Now we are in mid January, my consultation is in a couple of days, and all I have had from the counselling people is a couple of texts roughly six weeks apart saying, "We haven't forgotten you! You're still on the waiting list!"

Which sucks somewhat, considering they sent a letter to my GP saying I was a suicide risk!

(I absolutely am not, but I don't shy away from talking about feeling that way, and I had mentioned some stuff in the initial assessment that I know damn well they read as ideation when it isn't).

I know from past experience how shit the mental health services are, and they've got A LOT worse under the last government (as did all NHS services). So while I am annoyed, I am entirely unsurprised that I have not had the required mental health treatment yet. And I'm incandescent on behalf of people whose mental health is in a worse place than mine.

I am surprised by how quickly the surgical stuff has come around, though. I assumed I'd be on a waiting list for at least a year before I got an appointment.

I know I am lucky to live in a country where I don't have to pay for (most of) my health care. And I'm not really complaining, so much as pointing out the disparity between the two things I currently need.

~

Other than that, I've not got a lot else to say.

Work gave me an in-store voucher for turning up the other day when it snowed when no-one else did. No clue what I'll spend it on, but hopefully something nice will turn up :)

And I'm still chipping away slowly at P5 Tactica. I like it, and it feels for the most part, like a very "switch your brain off" game, which is weird considering its parent series, and considering it's a tactics game. But I'm enjoying it so far, and that's the main part.

Quick update on the bike situation: it turns out it has eighteen gears, not six, as I was told, so I was basically fighting it in the wrong gear the entire time I was on it. I did not realise this until the next day when I looked at the left handlebar and was like, "Oh, those are gears too..."

(Also I was riding uphill, but it shouldn't have been as difficult as I was finding it because it's a shallow gradient for the most part).

I've put in the order for the things I need/was missing, and I may get them as soon as tomorrow. I strongly doubt this (esp as I may have to be in work then), but it's good to know. I have also requested some books from the library about bike maintenance, but I don't know when I will get them, as they're coming from another branch, and the deliveries are likely disrupted because of the road closure.

I have had a cold for the last...week? I felt really grim when I finished work last Saturday, but it had also been a really bad shift - it was busy and we were a person down, so yeah.

Now I'm at the sneezy/snotty stage, which eugh. I think I may actually spend the day in bed, if I can think of something to do whilst being there. (This is the downside of all my creative stuff being mostly downstairs now, heh).

And my hands have been hurting to varying degrees during this time. Which could mean this is a stress response (and I think sometimes it is), but also it could be my immune system being all "HEY! LISTEN!" Which I also suspect it might be. IDK. I am not a doctor, and apparently it's still not arthritis, so who t f knows??

I'm looking at my hands right now as I type this, and I can see that my right hand is swollen. My left hand feels it, but doesn't look as bad. I wish I knew what was going on here.

Anyway, that aside, I sorted through some more of my mum's/gran's yarn stash - the stuff I don't want is going to charity shops or the local college - and found a whole load more crocheted squares, including what looks like the start of a blanket like my childhood one. Which confirms to me that my gran made these, since I know she made my blanket.

So I have unjoined all the squares I'd put together so far, so that I can put them around this rectangle instead, but also so I can make a more coherent big blanket. I'm honestly glad I didn't do anything more than slip stitch them together, as it made taking them apart really easy.

But part of the reason I decided to go through the yarns was because I was looking for 100% (or high percentage) wool to felt. Because after almost a year of feeling like I didn't want to do felting/didn't know what I was doing, I am sort of back on that! Partly because thinking about art dolls got me thinking of ways to make them, and 3D felting is one way I can do (some of) that. I didn't think I wanted to learn 3D felting, but I appear to have changed my mind about that!

But also partly because I sorted some yarn that I found in the cupboard under the stairs a few months ago, and then proceeded to knit three scarves from the blue shades (as it is my favourite colour). I washed them, as the yarn had been under the stairs for more than forty years, in all likelihood, and some of them felted. I don't mind, since the scarves were just for me. But then I was like, "I could make my own felt from some of these yarns!" by knitting them up and chucking them in the wash. I don't know that it will work for all of them, but I think I have a fairly good grasp of what a wool yarn feels like? And assuming they were mostly my gran's, she seems to have used high percentage wool a lot. So I shall experiment. Although not right now, given how my hands feel.

I impulse bought some more felting stuff - it should have been delivered on Thursday, but I knew I would not be home when the postman brought it, so I had to rearrange it to come this coming Tuesday. Which turned out to be the only day where I am home as I am working/doing other stuff the rest of the week. So. Yeah. Although I haven't regretted the purchase in the time since I bought it, so yay?

I feel like this post should have a more coherent end to it, but it isn't going to. I'm stopping it here.