all made up with nowhere to go

Some things, making a post:

# I had a migraine the other day with nausea so bad that it persisted not only into the following day, but it also lasted all day. Luckily(?), I was in work, so I didn't really have time to think about how gross I felt but blerghhhh, please can we not???

# Talking of which, I can't remember if I mentioned it, but I am on a waiting list to get an appointment at the doctor's to, in part, get help with the migraines. They were mostly bearable (in so far as such a thing can be), but the nausea is just. NOPE. NO THANK YOU.

# Yesterday, as I walked into work, I heard People Ruin Paintings on the radio playlist, which is one of the released singles from Critical Thinking and a) I almost sort of enjoyed it (and it was a nice surprise to hear a Manics song at work!) and b) it reminded me that I should listen to the album again, as I have not given it a fair chance yet because I wasn't initially impressed.

(Our store has a pre-built playlist that isn't like a "$Store Radio station" - it's just a giant, varied playlist that has occasional ads for offers or whatever. And, unlike my previous (paid) job, it is actual licensed music, rather than not).

# I ended up talking to two customers about reading, on two separate days!

The first one I hijacked a conversation he was having with a colleague, because I heard him say he has a lot trouble concentrating on reading, and I was like, "OMG SAME!!" Anyway, we chatted a bit, turns out he plays a lot of Vidya Gaems (also same). I told him maybe he's getting his narrative fix from that, as I think to some degree I am, and I said he shouldn't feel guilty about not reading books. I try not to, even though younger me is still mad that I can't concentrate on them like I used to.

And then the other one was an older customer, who's recently become a regular. He was asking about the playlist on the work radio, so I told him a bit about that, and then through some loops in conversation, we ended up talking about science-fiction books. He said he'd read 2001, and I had forgotten until he said it, but I have also read it (I remember nothing), and I talked a bit about Philip K Dick to him (he hasn't read a lot of him, and has seen more films based on his work instead. I am the opposite way around - I've seen Blade Runner and Total Recall and that's IT).

I also complimented a customer's phone case, as it had Hokusai's Wave on it, and that is my favourite Japanese print (I have it on a bunch of things, including multiple postcards, and the t-shirt I am currently wearing).

# I had to walk home from work, and then to work the following day because the bus timetable has changed - buses are now once hourly, and don't run when you need them to. Everything hurts, so I bought myself some pens to make up for it.

# Work is...not great at the moment, but I'm not going into it as to why (way too much explaining, and it's not remotely interesting; also unlocked post). Suffice to say I am very tired, and all I would like to do is sleep.

# that's all I've got for now. I'm going to have my dinner and maybe nap a bit afterwards.

I got the cat a new scratching board, because she needs one, and she hasn't used it because it's curvy instead of flat. She is such a fussy madam, I swear, and I don't know why, because this isn't how I raised her.

~

Anyway, besides that, last night I went out with a bunch of people that I work with for team bonding a meal out. I didn't want to go, because it was in one of the local pubs that does cheap food, and I hate pubs*. I thought I was going to have to cry off because I felt mildly unwell during the day, but then I felt okay, so I didn't. And also I would have felt guilty about it because I didn't go to the last one because of the buses being stupid (and it ended up getting cancelled). This time one of the ladies I work with gave me a lift there and back, so I didn't have to worry about buses.

It was mostly okay. I mean, it's not like I didn't know anyone there, just. People. You know?

There were a bunch of young 'ins came in and sat near us, and they were there for around an hour or so. They were loud and shouty and I STG they were deliberately louder because they saw me visibly flinch a couple of times. But I can't say for sure, and it's not like I'm going to hunt them down and interrogate them about it.

But other than that, yeah, it was mostly okay, except I am tired because people and I didn't sleep well last night.

~

Finally, replying to a comment from honigfrosch about the music rec posts reminded me that I can't remember if I posted links to the older ones here or not, so here they are anyway:

Massive Video Game Music rec list
Ten Songs by the Manics That I Don't Think Are Obvious Recs (DISCLAIMER: I now disagree with my past self for some of them but, at the time I wrote this, I was all like NEW! SHINY! VERY EXCITED! etc)
My Current Top Ten Fifteen Twenty Songs by the Manics

So yeah, enjoy!

~

*This is to do with them being too noisy and full of drunk people, generally. I am a curmudgeon, what can I say.

So, as you possibly know, my bus route runs...terribly at best, horrendously at worst.

There's been two bank holidays so far in May, and both times the bus I was meant to catch was over an hour late. The first time I walked, the second I didn't, so I was waiting around for close to forty minutes instead.

Anyway, saw some posts on fb on Friday about how bad the traffic in the valley had been (e.g. taking an hour to travel one freaking mile!)

Did not take this into account really when leaving work on Saturday (yesterday) and hoping to be home by 3pm, as I naively thought the problem might have been solved.

Friends, I did not get home until after four. I was at the bus station for an hour and a half.

Luckily, my friend Chris was there, so I got to talk to him for ages, which was nice because I haven't had a decent conversation with him in forever. I wish it had been in different circumstances, though. But we talked about all sorts of shit, including music, and how much we both love Nicky Wire. (Me, indulging my biases?? NAHHHHHH. Though in my defence, he mentioned how much he loves Nicky first, and I fervently agreed, because I'm me).

So that's how my Saturday afternoon went.

~

In other news, I'm almost at the end of the Manics episodes of What Is Music?, and I'm pleased to discover I'm not the only one who dislikes Postcards From A Young Man intensely, and also glad I'm not the only one to feel kind of meh about Resistance is Futile (I don't dislike it, but it also does exactly nothing for me).

I'm currently in the middle of the Ultra Vivid Lament episode (the one about the album, not the one with Dave Eringa), so I only have the Know Your Enemy reissue episode left :(

In some ways, I can't believe it's taken me two weeks to get here, but on the other hand, I can't believe it's only taken two weeks to get here.

I'm kind of sad I'm almost done with it, but I'm not about to go back and relisten any time soon. It has been a fun, wild ride, but I have been irritated by some stuff, but that is probably just a me thing. For the most part, I have enjoyed it.

It's made me realise that I kept tabs on the Manics' career about as much as I thought I did, even though I wasn't actively seeking out the albums to listen to. Probably helped by the fact that I've been following their official twitter since forever ago, so I've been aware of stuff, even if I wasn't as interested. (Who am I kidding, I am always interested. These are my boys! All four of them!)

It's also made me realise how melancholic Nicky is as a person. I spent a lot of the time with the newer stuff listening to the lyrics and being all, "shit, why is this such a vibe?" and then perhaps having the circumstances explained to me via the podcast and the realisation setting in. Guess it's another thing to add to the (very small) list of things I have in common with him.

(I mean, I came to like Be Natural because one of the lines near the end is "Be natural / Just leave me alone," and the way I was feeling when I first heard it, I was like, "FUCK. YES." and then also Solitude Sometimes Is has "Drop your bombs on all I see / Leave this world alone for me," and again, similar thing. I don't like being lonely, but I do like being alone on occasion).

I don't have any conclusion to this bit, apart from to say, it's nice to feel like I am back into them, even if I never really drifted that far away to start with. Feels like I came home.

Bullet points because segues aren't for me!

# Please enjoy this screencap from the most recent Oxboxtra Jackbox stream, wherein one of the questions in questions in Quiplash asked what is better left to people under the age of 30, and both answers were knee-related. (link goes to reddit, as I was in the sub looking for something else that I didn't find).

(I feel these answers, in my very bones, as it were, as my knees have been shite since I was in my early twenties, I'd say. Which is when all my other joints started being shit, too, so I guess it makes sense?)

# I haven't had a headache or migraine for almost a week, I said, thereby jinxing it.

# I literally just this morning started listening to the What Is Music? Podcast, because twitter said "you followed this twitter, you might want to follow this one?" and saw that they had covered the Manics at some point (they're currently on Radiohead), so I was like. I am still hyperfixating, because apparently I am having a second adolescence in my early forties. I want to hear what these dudes said.

And I was a bit whiffly, because I didn't know if I would be able to listen to them (as I have noted in the past, I am very picky about voices), and I did not know if I would like what they had to say, but I was less than twenty five minutes into the first episode, and ~howling~ with laughter.

(Although the hosts are all ~ten years younger than me, and they have already all made me feel Very Old™ The guy who knows the most about the Manics (Adam) keeps asking the other two if they've heard of people in the British 90s music scene and I know who they are, and the lads don't and christ on a bike I feel so old).

Anyway, long story short, I'm having a good time! Also it's nice to listen to a podcast about a subject I already know about.

I have finally worked my way through all the newer (to me) Manics albums twice now, plus random listenings on my phone when stuff comes up*.

And now IDK what I want to listen to, because it's still this, but it feels excessive? Which is daft because when I was younger, I used to listen to albums over and over and over again. It's how I'm so familiar with certain stuff. I don't know why I'm suddenly fussing about it now I'm a whole ass adult. It's not like I'm living with anyone who's going to go, "That again??" (and even when I did live with other people, nobody did, so ????)

I said on twitter that I want to be as over-familiar with the newer stuff as I am with the old stuff, and that ain't going to happen if I don't listen to it, is it?

The replacement copy of Lifeblood is fine, so I've listened to that album three times in total now - it feels very half and half-ish for me. There's one track I love (Solitude Sometimes Is), a handful I like, and then the rest I feel very "meh" about. But I don't hate it.

I am also of the opinion that you could soundtrack a film with just Manics songs. And also that a lot of the newer stuff is good travelling music. Not driving. Travelling. Soundtracking you staring blankly (or not) out of the window of whatever vehicle you're in. Because guess what I've been doing a lot of lately!

~

In other news, I've been flipping through some old physical diary entries for Reasons, and found one this morning where I described feeling like utter shite mood-wise, and not being able to concentrate on art college work, and then I came home and had a bad headache. No, past me, I think what you had was a migraine, you just didn't know it at the time.

It's been about seven years since I first realised I got migraines regularly - till then I thought I'd only ever had one "proper" one, maybe two maximum, because they'd had full visual disturbances, and I thought that was how they worked - but I wish I'd realised sooner than that. Maybe I could have made some compensation for it, especially because of how it can affect my mood. I still don't realise when that happens, until it shifts, and everything else settles in, and then I go, "ohhhh".

(Though generally these days because my mood is generally better, if I wake up feeling like I want to destroy everything and everything is shit, I have some inkling of why that is, but because it affects my thinking processes also sometimes that can take some time to sink in).

~

I've got nothing else for now (things are very boring chez J at the moment, thankfully), so time to go and sort out the washing, and also some books.

~

*I managed to rip everything in the end. I don't know why it wouldn't work the first time, but also I was deathly tired, so not in a place to really try to figure it out anyway.

Because I am caught up with the Manics albums, I decided it would be pertinent to go back and relisten to them (and skip any singles I don't like - looking at you, If You Tolerate This*). So now I have listened to Know Your Enemy twice, and I think it's growing on me. I do agree that the whole thing is a bit of a mess, but other than that, it's okay?

One day I will be able to afford the 2022 reissue, which is more in line with what the band wanted originally, and then we can see how I feel about that, too. But that's for when I have things like a paying job!

Also I will be getting a replacement copy of Lifeblood for no extra charge! \o/

I probably won't hold off my relistening till it arrives, as I only got the message from customer support yesterday, and I doubt it's going to arrive today. So until it does, it will have to be the skippy copy that gets listened to.

I was going to rip all the albums so I could put them on my phone, but it turns out that my old pc** straight up doesn't want to play ball (fair, I haven't used it in over a year), and so I may have to bite the bullet and get an external cd drive. Which is a bit of a PITA, but if that's what I have to do, then that's what I have to do.

(I'm going to have another wrangle with it this afternoon - trying to do so while tired and getting distracted by a stream, which is what happened the other day, was probably not the best idea!)

~

I'm still writing! Although it's slow going, because I think I want to tear everything down and start from the ground up again.

But I'm writing! Feels weird, but good!

~

*I don't know how, but I have heard that song so many times in the last twenty five years and not by my own choice, and I never liked it to start with. So apart from a cursory listen when I first listened to This is my Truth, to see if I'd changed my mind, I now don't have to listen to it ever again if I don't want to!

**This one didn't come with a cd drive, because obviously nobody wants to rip cds any more [/sarcasm]

I'm learning two things this week:

1. Past me was a fool, and should've known better than to think single releases were what was representative of what was on the album.

2. I have more in common with Nicky Wire than I'm willing to admit*.

~

*( explanation? under here )

Okay, so the most exciting(?) thing that has happened since I last posted was that on Thursday night, it snowed really heavily. There must have been, like, a foot of snow in the deepest parts, I think.

Anyway, the roads were clear, but the buses weren't running on my route, presumably because the drivers couldn't get in (I live in a very hilly area, and when we get weather like this, the roads that aren't at the bottom on the valleys aren't gritted or cleared).

I was supposed to be working 9am to 1pm, because I had a Thing™ in the afternoon. The first thing that happened was that the Thing™ got cancelled because the person I was supposed to be seeing couldn't leave their house due to the aforementioned snow. The second one is that I didn't see a bus go past my house till midday. Also I didn't have a contact number for work, so I couldn't ring to let them know I couldn't get in, so I decided I'd catch that bus on the way back and work the afternoon.

Which is what I did.

And it was a good job I did, because it turned out there were only three other staff working the floor (not including my supervisor), as well as two people on the tills. There are usually way more people in than this.

Anyway, most of the snow has gone now, for which I am grateful, as I have to go to Halifax tomorrow, and I've been there in bad snow in the past, and it is unfun.

~

In other news, by a strange chain of events, I ended up listening to Natwest-Barclays-Midlands-Lloyds by the Manic Street Preachers the other day, and I really enjoyed it, and then I was like, "I should listen to all of Generation Terrorists some time soon!" Except that I put it off for a couple of weeks, and only ended up listening to it and Gold Against the Soul yesterday.

But I really enjoyed it! I forget how much I like their early stuff because, for whatever reason, Everything Must Go is the only album I have fully ripped. I mean, I don't like everything on the first four albums (and The Holy Bible is A Trial at the best of times), but I don't know why I don't have them ripped already. Presumably because I am fool who forgets what their favourite music is, IDK.

(Also yes, I am one of those jerks who barely likes anything past Everything Must Go. Fight me).

~

In other other news, I saw the end credits of World of Final Fantasy, though I don't feel like I beat the game.

I've slowly been chugging through it since I got it, and I think I enjoyed it? The plot is wholly an excuse up to a certain point (where then everything gets dumped upon you, and I mean everything), but that's okay? I think. I guess I don't mind FF characters getting dumped out of context, since I've already played some Kingdom Hearts, and everyone who's an FF character in that is completely contextless. So at least that didn't bug me.

( SPOILERS UNDER HERE! )

I don't really think I have much else to say about it right now, but that's okay.

So once upon a time, I was reading up on World Salad Lyrics on ye olde TV Tropes and, of course, the Manics get mentioned (I'll be the first person to put my hands up and say I don't always listen to them for the lyrics - but when I do put my listening head on, it is An Experience).

(On looking on that page again, apparently REM are good at this, too, and the page mentions my three favourite REM songs (It's The End of The World..., Orange Crush, and Drive. I've been listening to Drive a lot recently). Obviously I like word salad more than I thought).

So now, every fucking time I listen to the Manics, I get "word salad" in my brain. Which is to say I start listening and then I think, "Yeah. Word Salad." (On a related note, next time someone says something I really agree with, I'm not going to trot out word burger! No. Word. Salad).

And then yesterday, I get to thinking, "Gee, I'm glad I never I wrote anything that could be construed as that!"

Except that I totally did. Some of my best poems from the last eight years have been word salads. I look at the sentences, and I think, "What does that even fucking mean?" (I don't actually care, and it doesn't, and shouldn't, matter). And when I was but a wee thing of fifteen, one of my best poems from then was...well, it wasn't fully formed salad, but it doesn't make any narrative sense. Or any real sense at all (I'd post it, but have you met my paranoia?)

A thought did occur to me, because 1996 was the year I discovered the Manics. That's a story for another post, so the thought that occurred was maybe that I'd listened to too much of them, and hey presto (I mimic writing styles easily). However I don't think that's the case. I think the poem came first (if I could at all get at my old journals, that would solve it, but I can't).

Which obviously says to me that my default state of mind is word salad. I don't do it when I'm thinking about writing - most of the time. I was talking to mum about it last night, and I said the first thing you learn about poetry is that it always rhymes. Then you're told that it has to make some sort of narrative sense.

Of course then you're told that actually, no, poetry doesn't have to rhyme. But you're never told it doesn't have to make narrative sense. Never in a million years. And then you go away and you discover e.e. cummings.

Does he make any sense? Not really. (I was going to link to my favourite poem of his, but either my google-fu fails, or it's just not posted on the internet. I can't even find the original poetry book I read it in). Does it matter? Not really.

I may look like I'm digressing but, to me, lyrics are poetry set to music.

Perhaps this is why I always hated English lessons at school. Well, not all of them. Just the ones where we tried to analyse writing. That ingrained in me something that remains to this day, which is that why does there have to be a hidden meaning behind stuff? Why not write something for the pleasure of writing it, whether it makes sense or not?

(It extends to art as well. I used to frustrate the crap out of at least one of my tutors by not having any more input on anything than "I like that" "That's a pile of shit, though". And when asked what my stuff was about or what it meant, I'd be all, "Um, it just is? It's a picture of my cat. It has nothing to do with being on the dole and the meaninglessness of life.")

So where this is going is that I shouldn't be ashamed if some of my best stuff is word salad. So freaking what? Good luck to any scholars of the future who pick up my stuff and try to analyse it (hopefully they won't; I'm not famous. I don't know as I'm ever going to be). Have fun, but don't tell me what hidden meaning you think I've put in there. I wrote it because I like words and I like the way they sound together, and that is all.

I think too much stock is put on making things make sense (or at least, with poetry/lyrics, a narrative sense) or making it "mean" something. I think if you create something, you do it because you like doing that activity, and that should be the end of it.

~*~

Notes:

*I just wanted to point out that the word salad effect re: the Manics is not applicable to Everything Must Go and anything after that. Well, it can be applied to bits of Everything Must Go, and probably to Journal For Plague Lovers, but I haven't listened to that yet, so I wouldn't know. But given it was Richey wrote all the songs on it, I'm guessing it's likely.

*I also wanted to say that I ramble with no real point to anything. Although since I'm rambling about not making much sense anyway, maybe I'm just being incredibly meta and I don't know it.

*I should probably hit post.